Chapters

I'm no quitter, but I quit today.


I quit allowing myself to stay where I will no longer grow.
I quit holding myself back.
I quit arguing with my husband, my close friends, and with God.
I quit allowing myself to be unhappy and judgmental about the smallest things.
I quit feeling inferior against my better judgement.
I quit stubbornly holding on, insanely hoping for change.
I said enough is enough.
I said I'm meant for more than this.
I said I need to do what's best for me, my health, and my relationships.
I said if I'm fighting this hard, maybe my intentions aren't God's.


I walked away.

        

Funny thing, life. I never would have thought it would spin in this direction. We came to East Tennessee to live more of the life we wanted.. In my mind, that meant on a ranch somewhere, or at least on some land. Either way, I would be working with horses, teaching others and doing what I love. That was true for awhile, until today.

But today, I am just a wife, occupied as a bookkeeper, living in a nice house in a comfortable subdivision with a cloudy view of the mountains. We have a cat, not a horse. (Or a puppy..YET!) I'm a part of an amazing church family that has helped us tremendously. We have some great friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm blessed more than I should be, no matter what my plans had been.

It's not what I'd expected. At all.

But today, I chose all that. I chose to close a chapter of my life, and open another. Finally my life will be much simpler; I will be able to focus on what matters.

For the next two weeks, my doubts may arise. I'll start to miss my job, and the relationships I've made there. But just because I'm walking into a different environment doesn't mean friendships must end. They'll just be different.




I'm not saying it was all bad. This time in my adventure novel was pretty great, and there were some moments I could not imagine being any better. Horse races through open fields, cleaning "parties" with my minions, swimming, jumping, dancing in the rain.. Without a doubt, I can look back and smile at all the fun times and hard-earned accomplishments that I wouldn't change for the world.
It's just, in the end, there are some things that I can no longer be a part of or wait around for, much as I'd love to.


Someday we'll live on that ranch, and will be where we had planned. But for now... I'm moving on.


I'm trusting that God knows what He's doing, that even if things don't look like I want them to I can't hold on to what may be a lie.

And I'm finally okay with that.

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