I lost me

I've been realizing lately that I try too hard.
Seriously, I do.

"A righteous mans steps are ordered by the Lord."
"Yet the righteous will hold to his way, and he who has clean hands will be stronger and stronger. - Job 17:9"
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. (Ps 55:22)"

"One day, you're gonna wake up and realize that everything and everyone you know is gone, and all you'll be left with is who you've become. Always watch who you're becoming."

I lived by that.

I made careful decisions to stay on track.

But in doing so, I think I've lost myself.

You see, I try so hard to be everything I've always admired in everyone else, try to be this ideal human: a beacon of light, above reproach, liked by all who really knew me. I actually went to the opposite extreme and was living in fear of falling short.

Without meaning to, I spent years of my life finding meaning in shaping who I am.
Without meaning to, I spent years allowing others to dictate what I should become.
Without meaning to.


Funny thing is, I thought life was good and I was right where I needed to be...

Until who I thought I was fell apart. Until I was accused of being dishonest, disloyal, shady, and conniving, everything I'm not, nor have I ever been. Until I was no longer welcome in a place I'd worked so hard to become a part of. Until bridges were burned no matter how hard I tried to take the high road and do things right in order to avoid it. Until everything I thought I had done right was brought into question and all I had to rely on was the truth that I know. Until I fought God so hard that He fought back and allowed lies to be spoken because I didn't simply obey.

I was so focused on avoiding the me that I hate, that I've become a lesser version of who I was meant to be.

This year has been a pivotal one for me, in shaping who I am.

There are so many things I wish I could have changed. I hate regrets. They eat away at me constantly. The worst kind are those that I can't change because I did the best I could with what I had. However, the more I look back, the more I realize that God is the one that shoved me back on the road I was supposed to walk. He used people to push me, to break my heart in order to teach me. In fighting Him though, in allowing my situation to dictate my actions, I lost myself.
I stopped spending time with Him. I stopped trusting that He has a plan. I started questioning everything. I began to compare my plans and dreams to my current reality and it didn't measure up.
I started losing myself.

Anxiety and depression cycled back around and I thought that maybe I was stuck here. That I've officially become who I never wanted to be: one minute a serene ocean view, then five minutes later a hurricane. I thought I was gone.

Inwardly, I've lost my passion, my drive, my endurance. Simple perspectives have become ridiculously complicated. Hurt and depression have fueled me more than wisdom and honesty. Even my honesty has become harsh. The person I've become is ugly. But I'm good at hiding it, even from myself.

Deep retrospection drew me to something vital. I tried to control things myself and lost the one part of myself that I never even considered: my trusting relationship with God. When I first ventured out on my own, He had taken me on a journey where if I didn't trust Him I'd be in major trouble. He pulled me into His arms and gently danced me into the position of trust and peace that I never thought I could lose. I've never trusted people very much, especially now. But distrusting God? That was the first misstep.

"One of the worst feelings in the world is watching a bridge you've meticulously repaired and fireproofed blow up in your face despite everything. The splinters stab you in the heart and are the last thing you remember before losing your mind."

You know what, screw that.

Living like this, thinking I'm this awful human being.. it stops now.
Fighting a secret battle I don't let anyone see is ridiculous when I have so many in my corner.
Keeping up "appearances" is a deceptive villain that's been restraining my joy.

It's stupid.

I want my footloose and fancy free mentality back.
I want to do something more with my life.
I'm going to love deeper, think more creatively, express myself more freely..

I know I'm not the only one dealing with this. Trying to please everyone (including yourself) is hard work. So just quit trying to be perfect and just be. Goodness

Change your perspective.

Eat that extra cookie.
Roll your eyes more often.
Spin in circles in the parking lot because you feel like it.
Relax. Read more.
Do the right thing, and back it up with scripture.

Peoples opinions STINK. There's no reason I should too.

The Lord shall judge the people; 

Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, 

and according to my integrity within me.

Psalms 7:8

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