Irrevocable Callings

This weekend was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. 

I know, I should be happy all the time and all that because happiness isn’t dependent on circumstances. You’re right. 

It was a different kind of happy. 

For the first time in awhile, I felt complete, like I was finally me.

God has been working in me for so long, on who I really am. He’s been teaching me how to rely on Him, how to change my perspective, how to deal with depression and worship through the hard times. 

These past few weeks, He’s been teaching me about confidence. 

That’s not something I thought I was missing. You see, in high school I learned how to be confident, even if it was just a show. I thought I had it down. The past few years, though, that version of confidence has been shattered and broken down until I realized, when a mentor pointed it out to me, that I don’t believe in myself. 

What? Me? Naw, I’m confident! I know where I’m going and no one knows otherwise.. except God. And secret me. 

When that was pointed out to me, I prayed. “God, really? What does that even mean? How do I believe in myself without it being the typical worldly version? How do I find confidence in myself and in you?”

“While avoiding change can make us feel like we’re control, we won’t be able to maintain a tight grip forever.” - Wendy Pope, “Wait and See”

Of course, He didn’t answer right away. (As He never does when I’m to learn a big lesson.) Instead, He lined me up for different circumstances to wear me down and show me what I really believe. 

• My phone wouldn’t stop going off. I had two different people mad at me for something I didn’t do. One friend was telling me to “get over it” when I set boundaries for myself and my marriage. Another had asked for advice and wasn’t planning to follow it, and was upset when I didn’t understand why she’d asked for my help in the first place. 
• I was arguing with my best friend. We’ve managed to avoid huge confrontation for years, and it was finally catching up. Hurts and misunderstandings pushed aside for years were resurfacing as we realized we were repeating a pattern and needed a change.
• Work was CRAZY and I kept messing things up left and right.
• My marriage was okay, but strained cuz we weren’t taking as much time for each other as we should.
• I was spread too thin and couldn’t sleep at night.
• My depression was hitting me hard core and I was sore from working out too hard.

As a result, I lost it. I turned my phone off (for the first time), left work early, and cried on the drive home. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t realize that I’d been finding identity in my success and relationships. 

I went home, laid on the floor, and watching the ceiling fan spin until Travis came home. 

I couldn’t handle anymore. 

I broke. Again. 

This time, though, it was a good kind. 

It was the kind of brokenness that makes you wonder how you got there, and what your real priorities are. I realized that I’d been finding my identity and confidence from my accomplishments, not in God and and who He created me to be.

“For the Lord will be you confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Prov. 3:26, NKJV

That night, Travis was SUPER sweet, and brought the tv into our bedroom (which is now the nicest room in the house since it’s finally finished!), and we ate in there, and cuddled while watching some movie. We talked and I realized that he was my best friend again, which is SO easy to forget when you’re going through the motions of life together and not being intentional. 

I turned my phone back on and didn’t reply to hateful comments, but responded in love. I called my best friend and we sorted things out and promised to talk about everything that’s been affecting our relationship when she came to visit the next day. 

A mental vacation did me more good than I realized, and one perfect evening helped wash away the frustration of the week. 

The next day, I woke up with purpose. I prayed that God would show me, well, ME. I continued to read, and write down who I believed I am and am not. I wrote down inspirations and scripture. After the gym, I went and rode horses FOR FUN, not just to train. The day was beautiful, the water the horses were playing in was warm, and everything was perfect. How can you be miserable when the sky is so clear?

That evening, Roni came into town for the weekend. We had a cookout with framily and other visiting friends. I grilled burgers, burnt half of them, and watched everyone play volleyball, or sit on the sidelines laughing. I admire it all and realized that I was smiling. 

I was happy.

Not happy just because of the circumstances, but because somewhere in the course of the day, I’d figured it out. 

“For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” - Romans 11:29

My confidence has nothing to do with anyone but God, and my relationship with Him. My confidence has everything to do with who HE says I am, who I believe I am, and the fact that no matter what, He has a call on my life that is irrevocable. 

The rest, I can’t put into words. I have an unexplainable peace now, a peace about my future and everything else. I don’t have to stress about my relationships, because they don’t define me. 
Saturday, Roni and I went to Gatlinburg to spend the day. We had a heart-to-heart, got stuck in traffic, took pictures, and I tried macaroons for the first time. After we wandered the city, we found a tattoo shop and got some together. 

Now, I know not everyone agrees that it’s biblically okay to have tattoos. If that’s your view, 
I totally understand. That's the way I was raised. My convictions are different, though, and I decided that I need to get this as a reminder. 

It’s a reminder that God has a plan and I’m to worship Him through all the bumps in the road and the Mountain views. 

It’s a reminder that who I’m created to be is greater than even I know, and doubting it is no longer an option. 

It’s a reminder that my gifts and callings that God has placed on my life are irrevocable.

It’s a reminder to trust.

It’s a reminder of what I’ve learned, who I am, and who I will always be. 

It’s a reminder that the devil is a liar, my depression does not control me, and God gave me gifts to use, for His glory and my joy.

Will I struggle? Umm. Yes. 
Will this current “high” I’m on fade? Probably. 
Will this be harder to remember some days? Definitely. 
Does that change the truth? Nope. And I now have a permanent reminder of what I’ve learned.

I’m free. I’m confident. I’m exactly who I’ve been called to be, and I’m walking into my future knowing that God has a plan. 

Don't be shy - If this message has impacted you in any way, let me know! 

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